well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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