Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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