I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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