Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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