i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Randomize
