you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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