i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
