matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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