she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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