i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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