Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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