Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
