Taylor Swift is so right about you.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
