can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
