Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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