1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
