I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
