And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
