Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
