My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
