Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize