So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
