you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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