If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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