You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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