omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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