they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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