If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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