Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize