I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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