giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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