Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
