I wanna bring you to show and tell
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
