his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
