it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
