i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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