Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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