Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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