you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
