I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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