is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
