Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
