Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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