the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
