I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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