As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So vagazzling was a success
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