Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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