I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
