census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
