I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I need a beard to bite.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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