he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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