I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
