I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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