we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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