I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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