Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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