I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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