I met the friendliest cop last night
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
