I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
